Those We Leave Behind (Article #7) 6/8/2006

{I had originally intended to write about our experience at the Israeli day parade this past Sunday. We had the distinct pleasure of marching with Nefesh Bnefesh and our fellow 2006 Olim. I have included some captioned pictures from the parade for the 5TJT (and will post them on my website next week if I can figure out how). However, when I sat down at the computer to write the article, the following is what came out my heart and mind…..}

“Are you all excited?”

Boy do we hear that question a lot. I’ve got to say that it alternates between excited anticipation and a “get off the train tracks” sense of dread.

There are so many things to coordinate. We hope to sign our lease this week and work out all the final details for our lift. We have to figure out how to keep our American funds and Israeli funds in order. We have to navigate our way through what is sure to be a major bureaucracy. And much much more.

But our feelings pale compared to those of the family members who we will be moving away from in 4 more weeks.

It isn’t so tough for me. I haven’t lived in the same city as my siblings for 15 years. We left Chicago when Chaim was a newborn and have lived in the Far Rockaway/5 Towns area since then. We spent 8 years (literally) living next door to my in-laws. The last 7 we have been a 10 minute drive away. My parents live in Chicago (in the house I grew up in from age 7.5 when we moved there in 1975) and we get to see them some Yom Tovs, occasional simchas and if they can manage a quiet weekend here or there.

Goldie’s brother lives in Teaneck with one sister in Flatbush and the other in Far Rockaway. Her grandmother (our last surviving grandparent on either side) lives in Flatbush as well, and there are uncles, aunts and cousins throughout the metropolitan area.

On my side, there is a lone uncle in West Hempstead. I have one sister and brother who live in Israel, with my youngest brother currently living in Chicago but planning his own Aliyah within 5 years or so. All my other uncles, aunts and cousins live “out of town” and so we are used to seeing them all in short bursts.

So my relatives have only small if any regrets in having us make Aliyah. On the contrary, my 2 siblings will have another brother to share their lives with. My other brother will soon join us, and (I am sure) that my parents will eventually come for significant visits of months at a time once we are all there.

They are used to visiting with us and the kids on the phone, so it is certainly no more difficult for them. They will still call us on a 516 telephone number (I have to remember to order it) and visit for a week here and there. It will certainly limit the time we have to spend with my parents that would come from living only 800 miles away. Yet as a whole, some of my relatives will even see us more often than before. So for them this is a big win, or at least a tie.

Not only that, but we all grew up as members of Bnei Akiva; my parents were members of Mizrachi, Amit, Religious Zionists of Chicago, etc. We were literally raised with a constant message of love of Israel and (not as strong) live in Israel. It certainly worked, since we will most likely all be living in Israel within the next 5 years. Our family is really an Aliyah success story (and there is no way ANYONE would have predicted this 10 years ago).

The contrast to our NY family is astounding.

While we hope to visit as often as we can (and our jobs allow for a certain amount of travel), this move will dramatically change our lives as a family unit.

No more last second decisions for a kid to go to Bubbee for Shabbos. No more having Bubbee and Zaidy drop in to say “Hi.” No more family BBQ’s when we happen to catch a mutual day off. No more nothing.

Sure there will be the occasional visits, some of them being extended for weeks and/or months at a time. Yet, that isn’t the same as what we have now – at least on Goldie’s side of the equation.

It hurts. I know that when many of you read the fact that we lived next to the in-laws you cringed. I don’t. I think it was a great time for my kids, and for us. There was always an extra pair of hands around or babysitting services (especially when we would say to an innocent 4 year old, “Is that Bubbee calling your name? Go see what she wants!”) when we needed it. My brother lives 2 blocks from our parents in Chicago and I know his kids also benefit from similar circumstances.

We cannot even prepare ourselves for it, because we don’t know how we will react to the situation. The older kids might be able to guess at it, but the younger 3 (ages 7, 5 and 15 months) have NO CLUE what it means that they will be living so far away. They probably think it will be like our trip to Disneyworld or something, where we will “go home” after a few weeks. Certainly not somewhere we would stay forever.

Yet when all is said and done, we will still be with our children (at least until they move out themselves) living together as a family. Goldie’s family is going to have a void. We are taking their daughter, sister, grandchildren, nieces and nephews to a far away land. They have enjoyed sharing their growth with us, yet now we are taking that all away from them.

Think about that for a minute. Imagine for just a second what it means when a grandparent hears, “we are taking 6 out of your 17 grandchildren, who have lived within 10 minutes of you for their entire lives and moving them so far away that you cannot come to a siddur play or a channuka show without planning a several thousand dollar special trip.”

I just wrote that and I cannot imagine it myself.

Our younger children will grow up with radically different relationships to our families than the older ones. While some difference is expected, a lot of it will be simply lack of opportunity to build a strong emotional bond. And that is a shame.

Yet children are resilient. They adapt to their circumstances very well, and often are unaware that they are missing something. Even Goldie and I will adapt, in a major part because of our need to be supportive and strong for our children, but also in part because we will have new family relationships to (in whatever small way) fill some of the void we will feel.

There are many Olim who have absolutely no one to fill that void, so in this sense we are lucky. Yet there are no replacements showing up. There will be no “spare” grandchildren or cousins stepping up to the plate to take our spot. And you can be sure that the Bubbees and Zaidys, Aunts and Uncles and cousins all know exactly what they will be missing.

So when we hear that Goldie’s mother is upset or even heartbroken, it isn’t because she thinks we are doing something wrong. When we hear from a sibling that they thought we would always be there to help as our parents aged, it isn’t from a sense of selfishness. It is truly a sense of personal loss and grief that they feel.

While they may be just as proud of us as the rest of our relatives (and there is no one prouder of us than Goldie’s father, for him we are the ultimate success and realizing his greatest unfulfilled dream), they are also sad for themselves and their loss which is our loss as well.

Goldie is crying as she reads this. I don’t even have to look to see.

In many ways, Aliyah is infinitely more difficult for those we leave behind. We only hope that they join us just as soon as they can.