Mr. Mom (Article #32) 12/14/2006

So it was official. Goldie got on her flight and went off to America for the week, leaving me alone with the kids, five pages of instructions and a crazy schedule. Although we had no clue when we scheduled her trip how busy the week would be, it was a really tough time for her to be gone.

I was up at 5:50 AM on Sunday morning in order to wake Chaim up for davening before he headed off to his first day at GMAX (his new school). Since Goldie is usually my alarm clock, before I went to bed (at around 1 AM) I made sure to set both her alarm and my alarm (ten minutes apart) to guarantee that I would wake up on time.

I couldn’t fall asleep afterward. The room just didn’t feel right. I had that feeling the whole week (no matter how many kids ended up sleeping in my bed each night). I know it seems strange, but knowing she wasn’t there made a big difference.

That feeling of discomfort brought home to me a lot of what Goldie had complained about when I had been overseas for work. She had also had the same feeling, and I hadn’t been able to relate to it until this week.

Her trip actually opened both of our eyes a little bit in seeing what the other person has to deal with when I am on one of these trips. It isn’t just the strange way the house feels when one parent is away. It is also the difficulty the USA bound person has in hearing the cellphone call over the internet and the frustration in not understanding what the other person is saying.

It is also the fact that your partner who helps you get all the kids dressed, fed and out of the house each day is not there and you suddenly have more time pressure to get them going on time.

It is also the fact that the traveling spouse has long periods of time to just sit and think each night, and they get very lonely and worried about the family.

It is also the fact that there is so much to do in running the household chores that adding those tasks normally done by your spouse is a daunting task and tremendously upsets your routine.

It is also the fact that you feel uncomfortable living on the road (even at your parents’ house) and even a little guilty for not being home and helping to take care of the family as you feel you should be.

And so on.

I don’t think that either of us has really empathized with the other when I have been on these trips, each thinking that the other did not have it so tough. This trip really showed us how hard this week can be for our partner and gave us insights into their emotional state as well.

Thankfully, on Sunday morning the alarms worked and I got up in time to see Chaim leave for minyan. Batya, knowing that I had set the alarms, slept with an ear open and came running into my room as soon as she knew I was up to get a quick cuddle with Abba.

I am used to getting the kids moving in the morning, so getting them out on time wasn’t horrible. The crusher came when I had to drop off a hysterical 2 year old (Moshe) who cried as soon as I left him in his Gan and then do the same thing for Mordechai (whose adjustment issues have been well covered already).

With Goldie away I suddenly had wheels. While the drive into the office was less productive that a train ride working on the laptop, I still got to the office at least a half hour earlier than usual each day. Since I was leaving early each afternoon in order to pick up the kids and get them fed, homeworked, bathed and into bed, the convenience of the car was a must.

On Sunday, Chaya had a free period at the end of the day, so she came home early and really helped me get everyone in order, which wasn’t easy since concern over Chaim’s first day in a new school had me on edge all day.

Sunday night we had yet another Middle/High School open house for Aliza, this time at a school called Chorev, in Yerushalayim. This is a very academically rigorous school. The school is well known as a top flight school and even though it would mean a commute, Aliza asked that we consider it. There is a large contingent of Beit Shemesh students, so it isn’t as big a stretch as we had worried about.

We were suitably impressed. The school has a very expansive campus and they are a very well established and well run school. They know what they are doing and we (Aliza and I) walked away a lot more impressed than we thought we would be. It was certainly food for thought.

While I was away, Chaya put together everyone’s lunch and snacks and organized everything for me so that I would have less to do when I got home. Once again, Goldie’s instructions were invaluable. By the time I got home, Chaya had everything ready for Monday. Lunches and knapsacks were all prepared and everything was in order.

We had found out the week before that Aliza and Batya’s school (known as the “Rappaport” school) would be having parent teacher conferences Monday night. Our division of labor had called for Goldie being the primary parent dealing with educational issues, so I approached the whole thing warily.

Thankfully, our niece Tova who is in Shaalavim for Girls Shana Bet program had volunteered to come by the house and help out that night. This meant that after getting homework done and taking the kids out for dinner, I was able to leave on time for appointments, knowing that Tova and Chaya would have everything under control.

Like the USA, parent teacher conferences are arranged with time slots which are then not adhered to by the parents who never finish within the assigned time. Additionally, since departmental instruction is provided in all grades, the departmental teachers are grouped (by subject) throughout the building and can be met with by signing up on the registration sheet at the classroom door.

Additionally, the new olim have a special meeting with the ulpan teacher where they present a group review of what is going on in the classroom. As always happens, the ulpan meeting was scheduled five minutes before my scheduled time with Aliza’s teacher.

I also did not know that Batya had departmental instruction when I walked in the door, and had almost left when I found out that I had several more teachers to see.

Some things I learned about my kids:

How wonderful they are - I of course knew this, but it is always nice to hear someone else say it.

How well they are blending into the class – Batya had struggled early on and would prefer that we switch her to another school where she knows more girls (more on that later), but they have both been doing well socially.

How much weaker their math skills are – this was only a mild surprise. We had seen the same thing with Chaya much earlier in the year. Apparently math is covered much more aggressively in the Israeli school system and our girls were all lacking in some basic concepts that the class had learned previously but had not yet been taught in America. Only Chaim, who has been in honors math or math enrichment since early on, was not behind his class in math.

Tuesday is a unique day in Israel. This is the day that school ends early – in our case, around noon. Knowing that I would have very little time to stay in the office, I decided to work from the house and also get some shopping done on the side (milk, bread, etc. – things that actually were NOT on Goldie’s lists).

Of course, that is the day that I had to get sick. I am an awful patient. When I get sick I am miserable, but with Goldie away it was terrible. Even thought I wasn’t feeling well, I still had to drive the kids to their after school activities and it was essentially back and forth from one place to the next for about three hours.

By 4 PM I was really feeling run down, so I called the health plan to make a doctor’s appointment. They are all open until 7 PM, so I knew I would get an appointment, or so I thought. In the end, there was not a single appointment to be had with any doctor in all of Beit Shemesh (6 different offices) and I was stuck until Goldie realized that I could go to the emergency after hours clinic without an appointment whatsoever.

So I did.

In the USA it is unheard of to go to the after hours emergency facility without paying a deductible or being somehow disfigured in a horrific accident or something like that. In Israel I just had to show my ID card to the receptionist and walk into the doctor’s office.

Back in the USA, Goldie was beginning to get seriously homesick. Since she was brought in for business purposes, she was really working full days from the morning until late, in order to make sure that she got everything done within the one week she would be in America. She was a little jet lagged, and had a lot of overload trying to deal with all of the things she had planned to do while there.

She didn’t get to see the friends she wanted to see or visit the old neighborhood. She even tried to visit one friend who was being honored and mistakenly went to the wrong venue, which was frustrating. She was also finally beginning to understand why I tell her that I hate the “gap” periods when I travel.

I call any point of the day where I have more than thirty minutes free a gap period. As long as I have appointments or some work to do (even on the computer), I am fine and calm. However, a gap period means that I am essentially idle, with nowhere to go and nobody to see.

Gaps are bad because I end up getting homesick and then depressed. It happens each trip. I begin to doubt myself and my decisions. I get all scared about the kids and how they are doing. I worry about what will be. Basically, a gap period could also be referred to as an opportunity for a panic attack.

Goldie went through the same thing. Since she was a bit jet lagged, she was waking up each morning at 4 AM and just sitting there. It is no fun to be away from your home, your kids, your friends and all your comforts and just have time on your hands without having some way to fill that time.

The rest of the week was generally ok. I worked short hours in the office and was home early to get the kids. I cooked some suppers and brought in others. I made some lunches and did a TON of laundry. Essentially, I kept things going (with a lot of assistance from the older kids).

Our neighbors were very kind to us in making sure that we were invited out for Shabbat (of course that was the week we got a call from some seminary girls who were stuck without a place for Shabbat and I had to decline). We ate dinner next door at the Ginsberg’s (with the Jaffe’s who were also single parenting that week) and lunch at Mordechai’s best friend in Israel’s house – the Rocks. Since the meals were arranged, Shabbat was actually OK. After all, the kids all were at friends and there was not much I needed to do to take care of them.

While we managed, I cannot say that we enjoyed the trip. By the end of the week, Chaya turned to me and said, “I really appreciate Eema now and she can NEVER EVER leave again!” Although I am sure she will have to go again for whatever reasons, we will hopefully have a better understanding of what is expected of us and how to run the household.